Not Dread-ful at all...

ok, strangely this is a really difficult thing to write about. It's not been a simple decision, and yet it has.
I didn't wake up one morning and say to myself, "Oh, I think I'll go and get my hair put into dreadlocks today."
It was never a case of "It's just a hairstyle to me, there is no deep meaning attached to it."

See, my hair and I have a very long and intense relationship. As someone who suffered from very severe low self esteem issues for much of my life, it was always the one thing about me (physically) that I could always count on getting a compliment on. Even those who teased and tormented me in high school would always admit that my hair was pretty. Boys who otherwise ignorerd me, ridiculed me, or treated me as "one of the boys" would occasionally compliment me on my hair. So as you can see, it really became like a security blanket for me.

If I ever changed my hair, would that make people stop liking me? Would I ever recieve a compliment again? What would people think of me if I did something radical, that I've always wanted to do? What if that outward-expression of my inner self was rejected by those around me?

What if, what if, what if.

It's exhausting living that way.

Anyway, I won't go into the details, as those closest to me already know the important ones. Needless to say, I have thankfully come to a place of freedom from the what-if's - no one is ever totally free from them, but when you recognise their existence you can destroy them much easier when they do crop up. I've come to the realisation that as a precious, created daughter of God, the only opinion that matters to me should be His, and to strive to please everyone else is not only pointless, but EXHAUSTING. Did I mention how much it tired me out? Man.

So hey - I made the appointment, went in - and am so very happy with the results. I feel like this is part of the REAL me, the creative, wonderful, slightly wacky, fun me that was just beggin' to get outandshow the world who she really is!


It feels like being at home.

who am i?

I am, apparently, someone who heads for the cereal at night when I don't have to cook dinner.

I am also someone who is learning to ignore that voice we all have, the one that screams at you, tells you you're not good enough, so don't even try.

Someone who is learning that so many of my limitations are temporary.

Someone who would die without some outlet for creativity.

Someone who is very lucky to have the husband that I do.

Someone who is loved by God, anyway.

Someone who is becoming the free, happy, and yet organised person that I have always wanted to be - one day at a time, even when it feels like two steps forward, and thirteen back.

Someone who has a hopeful future and the potential for joy in every situation.

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And now that I've gotten than off my chest, I would like to show off something I tried to do last week. After hanging out on http://howaboutorange.blogspot.com/ for obscene amounts of time, I found a great little project involving cloth, walls and starch. Only problem is - it's practically impossible for me to come across starch at all! I tried every supermarket, little shop, cleaning agency, and the closest I got was a bottle of cannned spray starch. Crossing my fingers, I thought I'd try it anyway, and to my surprise it mostly worked. There are still one or two bubbles that appeared after the starch dried, but I'm holding off fixing them until I can get some of the real stuff.

Once I've ironed out the kinks (ha! a pun.) I'm gonna do a design on the baby's wall - I can see birdies, all cut out of different shades and patterns, probably involving some blue (not by choice, but the house was painted yellow with blue carpets when we moved in, so I'm just trying to work with it!) ((Oh, and not because we're having a boy, either. All that gender-colour-specific stuff bugs me anyway)) and flying along the walls. Lets hope I can find some of the starch soon! Nothing more frustrating than wanting to create and being thwarted by a lack of resources and materials.

Oh, this is our bedroom wall, by the way. Again, not my choice of colour schemes, but here we are. If I had my way that wall would be a light pistachio green, and the blue carpet (which shows up long blonde hair so well!) would be a woven, knotty wool sisal. At least, that's how it looks when I close my eyes.